"Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself. I do not minimize how hard some of these events are. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. The Lord inspired Lehi to declare the fundamental truth, “Men are, that they might have joy.” That is a conditional statement: “they might have joy.” It is not conditional for the Lord. His intent is that each of us finds joy. It will not be conditional for you as you obey the commandments, have faith in the Master, and do the things that are necessary to have joy here on earth."
I have read this talk over and over this last couple of weeks. Do you ever feel like your heart can only take so much? In January we started another round of IVF with the same German Doctor that we tried IVF with last time. We transferred three embryos again and got pregnant with one! I found out while my dad and sister were here visiting. I couldn't really get too excited about it because in my heart something was wrong. A couple of weeks went by and I was at my 6 week mark. At this time when I was pregnant with Carter I was throwing up so much and felt so sick. I felt nothing. Felt no symptoms of pregnancy. We went in for numerous ultrasounds and found no heartbeat. I needed closure, but we kept going in to make sure one more time to see if there could be a heartbeat, nothing. At this time I was almost 9 weeks and did a D&C. The Dr. told us the baby had quit growing around 5-6 weeks. We were and are devastated. I felt like my heart couldn't handle much more, I want Carter to have a sibling so bad. I ache to have a baby in my arms. But I am getting stronger, Nathan is strong and we are overcoming this as a family and we'll try again. Just not now. I wanted to share this because I know so many women miscarry, and not many talk about it which is their own personal decision. But I have found it very healing to talk about it and hope that maybe someone comes across this and knows their not alone.
On a happier note, tomorrow we leave for America!! On a sadder note, Nathan is deploying the end of April for 10 months. (I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.) Nathan is taking a few weeks off of work and taking Carter and I home while he is gone. Our first stop is Washington to visit Nate's family then to Utah. I feel like this trip home couldn't have come at a better time. I am really going to miss Germany, especially since it's getting so nice with spring here, but we'll be coming back before Nate come homes so we can welcome him home.
So as of now I am finding joy in life. I feel like I could write a list of all the sad things that have happened to us, but instead I am going to write a list of all the things we have been blessed with, because there are many.
